[Jokes4u] FW: For Your Amusement

[Stephen Bailey]

I think these have been round before - they are still smile-worthy.

===


>Airline Repairs...

>

>Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly

>a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

>

>Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs and those of

>you who fly occasionally.

>

>After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe

>sheet,"

>which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

>correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then

>pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

>

>Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are

>some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked

>with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance

>engineers.

>

>By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had

>an accident.

>

>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

>

>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

>

>P: Something loose in cockpit.

>S: Something tightened in cockpit.

>

>P: Dead bugs on windshield.

>S: Live bugs on back-order.

>

>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

>descent.

>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

>

>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

>S: Evidence removed.

>

>P: DME volume unbelievably loud .

>S: DME volume set to more believable level.

>

>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

>S: That's what friction locks are for.

>

>P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

>

>P: Suspected crack in windshield.

>S: Suspect you're right.

>

>P: Number 3 engine missing.

>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

>

>P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

>

>P: Target radar hums.

>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

>

>P: Mouse in cockpit.

>S: Cat installed.

>

>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

>pounding on something with a hammer.

>S: Took hammer away from midget

>

>

>

>

>They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you have to

>answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very

>embarrassing.

>

>There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell

>her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most

>of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

>

>An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the

>desk....

>

>The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for

>today?"

>

>"There's something wrong with my d*ck", he replied.

>

>The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

>crowded waiting room and say things like that."

>

>"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

>

>The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this

>room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

>your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor

>in private."

>

>The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of

>strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

>

>The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

>

>The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

>

>There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

>

>The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

>advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

>

>"I can't p*ss out of it," he replied.

>

>The waiting room erupted in laughter.

>

>Mess with OAP's and you're gonna lose!

>